Okay, we've all seen em, and all wondered 'what the fuck does that fat fuck think he's doing?', right?

We've all yelled stuff like

'Hey fat boy, you run like old people fuck!!', and 'When's the last time you actually SAW your pathetic little dick?' , and
'Better hurry tubby, Burger King closes in twenty minutes!' and course

'I just gouged out your mothers eyeball and skull fucked her, and shes bleedin to death as we speak! Better run faster you fat fuck!' (I think weve ALL use THAT one at one point or another)

and other assorted, not entirely unfriendly yet not altogether benevolent needles and jibes.

But what you failed to consider is whats running through HIS head, and why it is that he does what he does. Well, today, I WAS that fat guy, and lemme tellya, it felt great.

For example, the little 5'10" 165 20yr old frat boy. What would he do if he was whizzing by in the little Jetta that his daddy bought him? He'd probly yell something like 'Holy shit its sta-puft, im calling ghostbusters!' then starts humming the theme song, and laffin his assoff right?

But what does he do when hes on the street, and looks up to see a huge mass of fat and muscle, sweating bullets in the 100 degree heat, running at him full bore [i.e. as fast as a mooninite laser blast (aqua-teen reference for all you fans out there)]? Nothing. He's a dear in the headlights. He makes his peace with the lord, repents for the time he let his frat brothers ram an artichoke up his poopshute during initation, and dives for cover. One such Abercrombie wearing beyotch was on the street and just for fun i pretended i was gonna run into him, and when i could almost see the puddle forming at his feet, i was instantly addicted!

The little old lady in the walker? Shit. If that old bag was on the other side of the street, you KNOW shed be yelling something like 'You fucking fat fucking peice of fucking shit cock sucking son-of-a-whore!,' right? Those old ladies ALWAYS FUCKING DO THAT! But what did she do when i nearly barrelled into her and her stupidass walker? Well, lets just say her catheter and her colostomy bag were overflowinl after that one! Muahaha!

And dont get me started on the 4 yr old girl on the trike...

So I gotta tellya, I dont much like bein fat. Nor do i like takin my shirt off much. I shure as hell dont like runnin much, and most people that know me know i dont even prefer being a 'guy'. But bein a fat guy runnin with his shirt off? Well now, that sure beats the hell out of having sex with a used up hooker that breathes through a throat tube and has been eligable for Social Security for the better part of a decade! Beleive that shit, cuz i own these sidewalks!

why don't you just run with your shirt on?

because man-boobs can be Very intimidating

LOL, nice post MK, possibly your most informative ever! I was laughing all the way through, though I admit I had to take a shower and go to confession afterwards. Keep on truckin, dude!

Mecos... First off... I understand and fully encourage all ATHF references...

Second, I have a similar story from when I was at UM. I was on the wrestling team, and was trying to cut about 15 pounds in a couple hours... So, I'm running in a garbage bag, sweating my balls off in 100 degree weather... These punky freshman come driving behind me... Yellin shit... But, I got my headphones on, and can't really hear them... I guess that pissed them off, and one of em throws a waterbottle at me, hitting me in the back of the head... Knocked me flat on my face, cutting the shit out of my knees and wrists... I was laying on hot concrete, bleeding, and could hear these assholes laughing their asses off as they drove away...

BOY WAS I PISSED!!!!!!!! Then, as I was getting my bearings back and standing up... a miracle happened... THEY WERE ONLY ABOUT 100 YARDS AHEAD OF ME, STUCK AT A RED LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I start chuggin after them... A big fat bleeding garbagebag wrapped ball of rage... I'm about 20 yards away when they see me coming (so do about 10 other people, probably VERY confused why Oscar the Grouch is chasing these poor freshman with their poor little Mercedez)... The offender, some little doucebag freshman, opens his door and goes hauling ass off to wherever... I'm so dehydrated, I got NO shot of catching him...

So, I stumble up to the kids car, and he looks like he's gonna piss his pants... I'm wheezing like a 90 year old man who just walked out of a Costa Rican whorehouse... I guess that relaxed him a little, and he started apologizing... Saying how it was just a goof and they didn't mean anything by it... And, besides, his friend is the one that threw the bottle, not him...

I'm still trying to catch my breath, not answering... When I look up a little, the little fucker is actually smilin at me... Givin me that whole little prettyboy, rich kid college punk "my daddy can buy me out of any problems" pearly white smile... Just then, I look at my hand, and I'm still carrying the empty water bottle that I'd been spitting in for the last hour (BOY DOES CUTTING WEIGHT FOR WRESTLING SUCK)... I just look this little fucker square in the eye and say "What the fuck are you smiling at", as the light changes and he starts to haul ass away... I manage to chuck the water bottle through the window, and CRACK... Right in the kisser... Thank you, high school baseball ... It was almost worth me falling to think about my old spitoon all over this doucebags face and his daddy's $90,000 car ...

Also, as a little party bonus, someone who saw the whole thing go down knew who the kid who ran was...

Suffice it to say, after the match, a bunch of the wrestlers took turns showing our little friend the wonders of the "shocker" ... (anyone who doesn't know the shocker, consider yourself lucky... )...

hahaha! Thats pretty awesome. Yeah dropping weight sucks. I remember when my coach told me i had to drop 30 lbs in about 4 wks otherwise it was gonna be the O-line for me--but i was a portly 270 at the time so it was doable, but involved a lot of bleacher runs, etc. IM honestly surprised i didnt kill myself/others. Never tried the garbage bag though, thats a nice touch. I might have to try that one.

Man you wrestlers... Love punkin the freshmen! My buddy who wrestled got himself into a similar (but much worse situation)

Hes a good guy, but a hothead, and LOVES to drink, which makes him even more of a hothead, right? So he's staggering home one night, and sees this kid riding a bike down the street towards him, and then he notices that the kid is riding HIS bike! Sidenote here: It wasnt actually HIS bike, he'd stolen it about a year before in a similar drunken incident, but it was a real nice one, and i guess he considered it 'his')

So whats he do? Well, obviously, totally without notice or warning, he runs towards the kid, and clotheslines him right off the bike onto the pavement. He then proceeds to 'just tap' the guys head on the pavement 'maybe once or twice' as he so euphamistically describes it. I respectfully submit to you, however, that you dont get an ankle bracelet for 6 months and a 20k judgement against you for 'just a couple light taps'.

In any case, he tells me about it at the gym the next day, and im just like LOL, your an idjit and that was it. Come about 2am that morning, im just gettin home, wasted and belligerant, having just made out with a fat chick for about an hour only to have her tell me that she wouldnt let me bang her. God theres nothin more of a pissoff than somethin like that that your buddies will give you shit for, AND that you got nothing out of!

In any case, I was barely able to walk, it was one of the most tossed i had ever been. My phone rings and its my buddy, and he's like 'dude, you gotta come over here. That kid and like 10 of his friends are out front of my place with bats and chains and all yellin and shit.' So, since i was drunk and all pist off, im like

'Shhhhhhhuurrre doooood! Illl bee right therrrrr, we'll kil thosh muurfuggerrss!!! Fokkin ashhollls!' So i hang up and im like hell yeah, were gonna have a bashup and its gonna be tite. So i run out to go to my other friends room, to get some guys together.

Then at about 6am i wake up, and im in the hallway about 10 feet from my door. Apparently thats about how far i had gotten before...well, i dunno exactly what happened, but my guess is i passed out in midlle of my battle-charge, and fell right onto the floor. I thought possibly i hit my head on something because my head hurt so much, but there really wasnt anything to hit it on, so im going to go with i just past out while running down the hall then possibly hit it on the floor. Some noble soul had even thrown a blanket over me. How nice.

I called my buddy up and was like dude im sorry and i told him what happened, and he was like yeah your alot of help. Apparently the cops had rolled by just a bit after he called me and handled the situtation so things worked out alright. He still busts me balls to this day about how worthless i am as backup, but eh- He passed the bar on his first try last year, which is more than i will probly do, so fuck him.

Moral of the story? Dont mess with wrestlers.. and if they are wearing garbage bags, this goes double.

Nice story, uh, Garp?

Keep it going guys. This is funny shit!!

Unfortunately, I can't contribute to fat stories. I'm a fucking toothpick.